I was returning from college in metro after giving my last exam with the thought of how unsatisfying my first college exams had gone than they should have. Amidst those thoughts my eyes fell on a child sitting on her mother’s lap (she must be around 3 years or so). The smile and abundance of innocence on the child’s face instantly took me into my past – my childhood.
I remember always asking my mom as a child “Ma, when am I going to grow up? When will I be able to wear those high pencil heels? Carry those designer bags, go to college? No one will be there to scold me for marks; I would freely hang out with friends”. Little did I know with those high heels and bags a lot of tension, worries, stress and apprehensions about various things in life will come along!
Looking at the child’s smile all of a sudden I felt iPhone, a dell laptop, facebook, metro ride and college life is fun but I somehow want to return to that life where all the small things created excitement….. Eating from Tiffin boxes of friends, getting a new Barbie doll, reciting a poem in front of the class, getting a very good from my favourite teacher, winning a prize for creative writing, being fed by mom, playing in the rain, flying kites from the rooftop, learning the new dance step wholeheartedly, watching Shahrukh’s new film as if that’s all what matters, playing in the rain, crossing the road holding dad’s hand, sitting on mom’s lap as she made my hair plates, crying for not wanting to finish the glass of milk and buying a new book..golden phase of my life.. I just wanna relive the innocence….. I just wanna live that life once again.
I had received a forward once which read :
I wanna go back to the time,
when “innocence” was “Natural”,
when “getting high” meant “on a swing”,
when “drinking” meant “chocolate shakes”,
when “dad” was the only “hero”,
when “love” was “mom’s hug”,
when “dad’s shoulder” was the “highest place on earth”,
when the “only thing” that could hurt was “bleeding knees”,
when the “only things” broken were “toys”
and when “goodbyes” only meant “till tomorrow”!
Yes we all wanna go back to the that time where there were no crushes, no heartbreaks, no ego clashes, no trying to analyse a situation why did this happen to me, why did he/she say a no to me, why did life did this to me, why didn’t I get the highest, what stream am I stuck in, why the hell am I not getting a job, where am I going in life from here, I never wanted to be here, my life is messed up….. Life changes as you grow up and how!!
We do know the speed of the light when 12 or 13 but we surely didn’t know the speed of darkness in our lives back then. As we grow up we realise that world is a lot bigger and more challenging than our school, homework and Barbie dolls. “Childhood is measured out by sounds and smells and sights, before the dark hour of reason grows” said John Betjeman. How true! Life in teens is a phase where nothing seems to be in your control, dreams get lost in life’s obligations and only desperate feelings take control of things all around you which eventually fall apart. Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what’s to come. You wonder where life is going to take you.
That night I lied down on my mom’s lap listening to my all time favourite song “mere khwabo mein jo aaye” wondering what more awaits me in life….. will I ever live that phase of life again where there is no fear of failure, where I learn new things just for the sheer joy it presented me, where life was devoid of any pain?? I guess no or I don’t know may be I have just lived a small part yet….. a lot more is yet to come. Yes life is about leaving the past behind and moving on, life is about growing each day, yes life is always about the next step that you are going to take but then revisiting your childhood and the sweet memories once in a while is also worthy.