As I was walking back home after yet another dumping, I thought to myself, what am I doing wrong? It had to be something! I mean, if you get dumped by one girl, you can safely assume that there is something wrong with her, still stick to the theory when it happens again but after that, you have to admit that something’s the matter with you…
It is at times like these when we turn to our best friends, the people who mean most to us in life! Ultimately, when all else is exhausted, we turn to the person we trust the most…if they say that we didn’t screw up, then we didn’t. The only way to judge your growth as a person is making sure that you don’t repeat the same mistakes over & over again.
When I did this, I was given a quick retribution from someone whose advice I have come to appreciate and value in the past few months. The worst part about a break-up is that it’s hard to get over it…at least, it was for me! So, eventually this friend of mine asked me to find a way to vent my anger. I’d always been a person who was easily infuriated & past break-ups had earned me the title of ‘The Masochist’. I had broken all of my limbs, had come close to completing half-a-century of stitches and was bitten by a snake in the past three years, more or less, as a result of these break-ups!
This friend of mine was familiar with my reputation & so she wanted me to vent my frustration in a different way this time round. She asked me to write her a note, a note that apologized to her for all the things that I think I should have done…she told me that it would lead me on a journey of introspection and self-appreciation & so, I started:
I was very sad when you broke up with me. But, the truth is that the relationship has been dead for a long time, at least, from your side. I was the one who was carrying the burden of this entire enterprise on my short shoulders. I made a lot of mistakes in this relationship & I need you to forgive me, forgive me for NEVER leaving you alone, for NOT saying anymore, for NOT hating you more…
But, in retrospect, let me ask you, couldn’t you tell me a story that I hadn’t heard before? Couldn’t you paint me a picture that I hadn’t seen before? Couldn’t you have given me a reason to stay behind? Couldn’t you have said it to my face? That I wasn’t wasting all my time…
Couldn’t you see how I was getting involved? Couldn’t you see how our story was ending? Couldn’t you see that I didn’t know who you actually were? Couldn’t you have laid me to rest, peacefully & quietly? Why did you have to leave me bleeding on the crossroads? I don’t know which way to go? Couldn’t you at least have shown me the way this last time? Couldn’t you have shown me words of love? Couldn’t you fill my final place of resting with some quiet energy?
Couldn’t you have done just one thing for me? COULDN’T YOU HAVE JUST LET ME GO???
As I read and re-read a draft that I had prepared mere moments ago, I realized that I was much more frustrated at her than at myself. Of course I didn’t magically get over her…of course it still hurts to see her face every day. But, it did do one thing, it did give me closure. It made me realize that it wasn’t my fault after all!
I won’t say that it would work for anyone out there, but introspection is always better than just cracking open your wrist on a wall, punching the hell out of solid mortar…
I guess there’s good & bad in all of us. Most are taught to look at the good things during introspection, but it is only when you’ve accepted both sides of the coin that you gain complete closure & it’s a lot easier to go to sleep at night!