It happened at the end of September two years back. We were driving some campaign and I was required to find people from different colleges. And so I met him.
For the first time I met a boy who didn’t ask me if I was committed, within minutes of the conversation or start anything in that direction. He seemed sincerely interested in what I was saying (though I wasn’t 😛 )
It would be a great irony if I tell you we were in same class for an year and I never bothered to notice his existence. Even if I would have been interested in boys, I had better ones to look for. I never myself realized at that time how much looks don’t matter. Just like a child I just knew despite of being looking nice, I didn’t like any of the boys in my class. They were repellent in some strange way, I do really believe in that vibration thing though I don’t really understand the concept.
With him, I never communicated. He was not the type who would be found talking to girls. Though I do remember one day in maths class (it was the one I loved answering questions), we solved some geometry question in same way and he was sitting behind me. Just that. One memory.
How much life has changed since then! And situations have reversed.
So, we started chatting on our dear medium of the age- Facebook. It would be better if I say I started. Yeah I never realized I was starting a conversation without any apparent reason. I convinced myself I had something or the other to tell him.
And slowly I began feeling he was thoroughly neutral. Not interested, nor disinterested.
Ha! Before that people started useless conversations with me, never I.
If you, dear reader, owing to your previous experiences of a love story, think that I wanted to be his girlfriend (how I hate the word!:P) you are wrong, my friend.
My practical side (which is very intelligent) understood it from very beginning that we differed in the very basic aspects. I know it isn’t a virtue to blow one’s own trumpet but as I have to narrate the story I have to mention a few 😛
Something happened in my early teenage years, I guess, which shifted time and corresponding maturity level. And after that I have always found myself more mature than my peers. I made mistakes early and learned early. But since I DID the mistakes, I never felt proud or even glad, I just tried to make things easier for my friends emotionally.
I had already been through a lot and at the age of eighteen then I was not interested in money or gadgets or any such materialistic aspects of life. I was balanced and not excited, unlike normal teenagers and believe me however good that might sound, I have felt bad about that too sometimes. Humans :/
And he was, well..a normal teenager. Or maybe not so normal.
And thus my emotional side, the dumber one, just happily hoped that we would be good friends. Meanwhile parallel aspects of life – career , family etc ran smoothly.
Time passed and conversations became rarer.Yeah I have to confess again, I tried sometimes, was disappointed as things never went as I expected, was happy a few times , and at other times decided to leave it all.
As fate would have it, I gradually landed up in same college as his. And contrarily once again, the situation worsened. I did many little blunders which later embarrassed me only. My close friends often ask me where does my ego hide out when he’s around. Because if it wasn’t him, I would never twice wave to guy who doesn’t say hi even if he saw me first. But to him, I did. A few times.
As I mentioned before, we were very different. Knowing it was one thing but realizing it daily from a close view was another. And freshly disappointing too. Not disappointing exactly, I cant find the exact word, something between anguish, anger,disappointment and disgust.
Then finally I gave up one day.
Strange how one can be so unaffected. Enemies are better. At least they notice you. Or going by my friends’ consoling theories he hasn’t got guts.
Whatever be the reason, now we both ignore each other perfectly, whenever we chance to co-exist in same vicinity.
Again I find myself abnormal. My friends have passed through more concentrated and happening forms of this situation but presently they hate those persons and curse them or simply not care enough to think about them.
Though I have a lot on my mind to be occupied and my life is thankfully happy enough that I don’t care or think about him much but I cant hate him. I have tried and have even pretended in front of my friends that I do (to save my life 😛 )
but I simply cant.
They say it shows I am good.
I say I wish I was bad.
They say maybe it WAS love.
I say I wish it wasn’t.