In the end there are three things that last; faith, hope and love and the greatest of these is love. Bible (1 Corinthians 13, 4-13)
Its 6:40 AM and no I’m not one of those early risers who wake up at dawn to watch the sun rise above the horizon, I just haven’t slept yet. I can’t get sleep and I’m desperate to distract myself , so desperate that I’m watching ‘The Bachelorette’ to kill another hour and hoping I’ll be able to get some sleep by the end of it. Now most of you must started have formed your notions about why I’ve been having sleepless nights and must be betting for the obvious inference, that I’m in love. Aaaand you’re both right and wrong. I’m in love yes, but the sleepless night aren’t due to the kickoff rushes or the butterflies and the excitement for my love story. It’s because it has ended.
So, I decided to write. A diary does not judge you, it infact has a therapeutic effect. It’s like the best friend you never had since it doesn’t judge you, just takes in whatever it is that you have to say and in the end gives you a blissful sense of being unladen. And I started to think about memories. Memories, we cannot recall them conciously, but sometimes they reappear, surprising us with their unexpected intensity. I wish deleting a number from your phonebook was enough. I wish that would also delete it from your memory. But sometimes missing is more precious than being together, because we miss only those, that we never want to miss.
Everything around me seems to be telling me to stop wallowing in my misery and just move on, as much as I know they’re right, I can’t do it. I know everyone goes through breakups; they’re a part of life. But I’m I, and I really can’t seem to grasp just how possibly I can forget the moments I spent with him. It seems unfair how someone is weltering in despair thinking of all the times that they spent with and wondering how they’re supposed to forget those beautiful memories and someone else doesn’t.
It’s funny how some people forget so easily, while others remember.
This was the plausibly the best year of my life. And what made it beautiful was him. We were best friends from the end of previous year and as we entered the next year we found our relationship too had reached the ulterior level. We both knew we love each other, so we couldn’t be happier about getting into a relationship with each other. Everyone who saw us together could vow that we were going to be together. He said I’ll love you forever. ‘Hamesha’ waala forever.
I pray a lot and all my life I never included anyone in my prayers except my family (when I was younger and immature and I had ‘guy situations’ I didn’t feel anyone was important enough to be included in my prayers. I had this notion that God is a busy man and unless something is very important it’s not worth praying to God about 😛 ) But for the first time in my life, I prayed. On my birthday, I thanked God for the best birthday gift ever. Him.
The way we met and came close, I had to believe it was God’s plan and his greatest gift to me. Our whole story could make anyone believe we were meant to be together. He had been the one constant in my life, the one unremitting thing I never thought I could lose.
But I did. And it was the blackest blasphemy.
I wish I’d never met him, so I would never have to let him go now. But as I think again, I think I’d miss him, even If I’d never met him. I’m sad not only because of something so amazing ending, but because I don’t know how to keep faith. If something so beautiful and pure could end, if it’s possible that someone can forget such resplendent memories and go, then what it permanent? Everything is ephemeral, love, feelings, bliss, and life.
Yet, Im still holding on. The universe, which brought us together and made my fairytale become true still, has a plan. I believe in the miracles, such as the one that happened the day I met him. I am certain that everything happens for a reason 🙂 As the saying goes, “Everything will be okay in the end, if it’s not okay, it’s not the end”
Watching you go, the one last time, makes me wanna say, one last time I love you.