How long can one lead a life of cursing himself for everything and anything he does? How long can one consider that whatever he does always turns out to be a mistake? How long can one be unhappy about everything that happens with him? The answer clearly and obviously for these questions is “NO”.
Having realised the importance of decision making made me come to this conclusion. Well the origin for this issue of cursing oneself dates back to the days of my mid 5th semester. It was just after the minor 1 of that semester, that I had decided to audit the Psychology course thinking that I might end up getting a low grade and it would my affect my CGPA. So without giving any second thought to this issue, I had audited it. Later I was in situation, that I was having the highest pre major total in this course with a score of 65/70 and a sure shot A in this humanities course. That was the moment I started cursing myself for having taken such a silly stupid decision of auditing it. That’s not it.
Now coming to the 6th semester, I was performing below the average level in the Antennas course which was a serious concern for me as well as the course instructor. I finally got a very very bad low score and a B- grade in this course. That fuelled the fire. Cursing myself has gone to a new high. I was wondering why the hell did I audit the Psychology course in the last semester, instead I could have happily taken an A in it, and could have used the audit this semester for Antennas. Every second, after I came to know about my grades for the 6th semester, turned into a worrying second for me.
Next in line was the situation of internship allotment to us. As the institute earlier announced that I was getting BARC (Bhabha Atomic Research Centre) for my internship, I had not made any self attempts for my summer industrial internship as that centre was the best and one of its kind research centre. At the last moment, when we came to know that BARC seats are now not available due to the HR manager not responding or some stupid communication gap, I and others who were allotted BARC, were in a complete shock. We could do nothing to do. It was too late to ask parents or any other relatives to try for getting us a good internship. Again cursing myself for not having asked Dad to try for some good place for my internship earlier. I was constantly thinking and rethinking about this issue and was unnecessarily making it look big and pondering over it.
As the course auditing issues indirectly were affecting my CGPA, CGPA became my biggest concern and the cause for greater self cursing. Meanwhile as the internship started, then again the humid hot climate of the city of Ahmedabad, the excessive working hours at the company and kind of accommodation that we have got for ourselves again was a cause of worry for me. I was constantly considering them as my greatest problems at the moment. I was feeling that people who are working at other places may not be having such long working hours or there could be some other fellow students who could have found internships so close to their homes that they can happily stay at home after the daily work gets over and they can get to study for future exams, relax or do anything happily in a peaceful and cooler climate. Such minute issues were appearing to me as my greatest causes of problems and worries. I could not understand for a single moment why I kept bothering about such futile things. At the same time, a call from my home would equally irritate me. They try to be helpful and concerned on phone, but it would aggravate my irritation that I would react violently on phone and hurt them. Instantaneous anger and then again cursing myself for having misbehaved with them.
It appeared as though there was nothing left for me in life and I have became a self cursing ever worrying personality. Well analysing what is actually making me think or worry like this, has helped me come out with certain reasoning. Taking a look at the first issue, the course auditing one, well it is not at all a major issue. Obviously one can never know how he or she would perform ahead in that course or other courses in the future. So the choice of auditing has to be done at sometime. Well here, it was this time. Imagine the situation, when you would have really screwed up all the Psychology exams and above all, you have not audited it. Also I would never audited the Antennas course even after coming to know the relatively bad performance in it as it was a departmental course. The next one, internship issue. BARC, going out the institute’s hand was completely their mistake and the ETP cell is to be put to blame. When they have allotted it, it was obvious that one would choose it over anything else available as it was a research centre.
If at the last moment, the institute loses those seats, then why should any of the involved student feel bad about it and take it personally. Now taking about other friends who might be working less or enjoying at home after the daily intern work, well comparing always is not a good thing. On the other side, I should be really happy about the work I am getting and more working hours as I would get to learn more than what they are getting. Also proximity to home cannot be considered always as a boon. Home would again be a distraction. Instead stay out and away and prepare or study in the weekends whatever you have originally planned to do during every night.
When you have made a choice, live by it and face it’s consequences. Tackling it, but not worrying about it, is the solution.