I stepped out of the gloomy shadows of my somnolent classroom, and gratefully inhaled the magically soothing November air. The breeze soothingly swept past my burning cheeks and playfully caressed my locks, and the soft autumn sun affectionately kissed my chilled arms and creased forehead. That’s when the familiar evanescent sensation of being an aerial being without wings began to seep into my beating blood pump. I tilted my head and looked at the clear skies jovially flaunting their fortune for being blessed enough to be adorned by the sun’s dazzling exquisiteness, as my lips curled into a shy notorious smile. And that’s when the familiar voice echoed in my head,” You’re a happy girl!”
Yet this renegade pessimist sipping into the sweet pleasures that would find their way into the dark and gloomy chambers of my head, nudged me from the inside, and succumbing to which, I turned and feigned to throw a casual glance at the first floor of the electrical block. Just as I hesitantly narrowed my eyes to scan the dusty window looking into an empty classroom, my soaring heart was sadistically pulled down by a surge of the proverbial despair I’d recently been forced to get acquainted with, despite of this my smile grew broader and very soon blossomed into a painful giggle.
“Now will you give the ‘act like a perfect idiot and smile to yourself ceaselessly’ business a break?”, my emotional sugar stick exclaimed interrogatively, furrowing her artistically arched brows with genuine concern, as the indignation glowed on the mustard-honey face, which was slowly turning pink.” you look like such an idiot!” , she completed, crossing her arms. We were both sitting on the grease covered table top of the sole piece of furniture the pleasantly dilapidated canteen had to offer. Shunning my doleful self aside, now that I had my favorite company, I lovingly put an arm around her, hoping in vain that she might find this not as inane. “I’ll try, I’m just a little perpetually overwhelmed, you know! It’s never been like this before, I don’t even know if I’m supposed to like it, hate it, get over it, ignore it, the only thing I do know is, none of that works!”, I babbled breathlessly, and after panting briefly from the exertion, sipped the steaming coffee, which felt very much like the celestial nectar He sometimes pours into the soul of a dying mortal who has lost all desire to live as a mortal. Caffeine is certainly not my addiction, if submitting to the yearning for your addiction does not lure you into a temptingly treacherous utopia. Every sip of the steaming liquid burnt its way down my insides, slowly eating into the cold slab of sorrow and lugubriousness that was choking me from inside. Then I closed my eyes and threw back my head, letting the euphoric sensation spread like venom into my veins. Having tricked myself into being happy once again, I satisfactorily rested my head on my angel’s shoulder and started humming to myself. Split seconds later, I heard the hollow, restless roar of an excited crowd one gets familiar with in educational torture cells. I unwillingly tore my eyelids apart, an unexplained enthusiasm building inside me, and then I saw him.
The sun had lost nearly all its aggression and was now only spilling its golden rays around. The birds were now exhausted after toiling through the day and were exuberantly chirping as they made their way back home. The leaves, exhilarated by the sensation of the sun’s rays stroking their lustrous faces, glimmered like emeralds. The evening breeze having regained its fervor after the languid afternoon blew magic into all beings it touched. But I was completely oblivious to this entire enchanting occurrence around me. I was indeed enchanted, only not by nature this time.
After a few moments of inexpressible pain, for which he looked tentatively in my direction, the grave charm which so easily lured me away from any other worldly commitments, instantly sublimed and left behind a warm smile, and then all things around me suddenly turned mute, I lost all sense of touch, in fact I was only aware of my eyes, drinking in the innocence and serenity of his smile, and my heart, which was now beating uncontrollably, and after a little while my eardrums, which rang with the familiar “hello! Happily bunking again?”
I jumped off the table, spilling the coffee on my fingers, burning them, and yet being hardly aware of the stinging pain. As I started walking towards him, I could hear mingled voices of people calling behind me, raising apprehensions, something about attending lab, I believe. But they were too distant at that time; I had drifted quite far from them in a very brief time gap.
He wrapped his large, comfortingly warm palm around my fingers, and I very silently gasped, suddenly overwhelmed by the touch. I suppose I walked with him for only quarter of an hour, yet those few minutes were dripping with pure, unadulterated rapture. I drank in every word he said, his soothing voice making me forget all my flaws, making me feel perfect, complete. His laughter, completely untouched by pretense, pure and unsullied, which rings in my head every time I’m pleased with myself, made me smile almost involuntarily. When he would rest his eyes on my face, the light brown eyes which glistened like drops of honey in the brilliant sunlight, made me feel like the most beautiful person on earth.
When he finally left me, my cheeks were burning with delight. I was lost in my own world of seamless glee, when my friend ran up to me, and smacked me hard on my back. She then twisted her pretty face into an inquisitively accusing smile, and crossed her arms before her. “What?” I said reflexively. “What? What! You tell me what! You’re going out with this guy you like so much, you’re taking zillions of rounds of the blocks with him and you have not bothered to tell me? I need an explanation, NOW!”
“But I’m not going out with him...” I said, taken aback by the force in her allegations.
“But I thought you liked him..?” she asked, looking rather perplexed now. “Of course I do!”, I replied, unable to resist flaunting a shy smile. She now looked aghast and with the shock nearly choking her voice “and he does not like you..?”
“ I wouldn’t say so, no!” I said my smile now maturing into a chuckle, but now the familiar stabbing pain reappeared, and pinched my heart most ruthlessly. Her reaction to this only deepened the cuts which refused to heal. She nodded sympathetically and turned to leave, though I heard her mutter “surprise me.”, amusement ringing in her voice. The ghosts of his smile floated in front of my eyes, although it all seemed too unreal now. I stood there, unable to move, overcome with self pity. All the rosy images which glimmered before my eyes a little while back now seemed to be swirling away, stealthily crawling away from me, mingling with the beautiful golden sunlight, and finally fading away.
I felt very much like a terrible fish without water, the yearning for peace and the hatred that the humiliation had instilled in me was crushing my happiness slowly and painfully.
A myriad tears and countless days, because they were too dreary to be numbered, later, the sorrow has clogged the pores of my heart so indiscriminately that I now resort to this very sorrow to heal my pain. The reason why this pain is more treacherous than I have ever endured is because it is now a concoction of terrible pain and undying hope. Why the hope wont fade, and why the pain wont perish, I have never reasoned, and I might never decipher, yet I might never cease cursing the irresistible cavalier charm that ruthless seraph so shyly drapes himself in, which has so irrevocably injected this delightful suffering in my life.